[Closed] Expecting the Worst

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Tom Cooke
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Sun May 31, 2020 8:10 pm

Aveline's Bookstore Deventry
Evening on the 14th of Bethas, 2720
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H
e remembered well the flare of irritation that’d gone through her at the look on his face; she’d meant to find something else there, he thought sadly, to draw something else out of what must’ve been – he couldn’t think what he must’ve looked like to her. She meant to guilt him, he reminded himself, for whatever it was she wanted, whatever it was she was going to pull out sooner than later. The thought was growing brittle and thin with wear. The ground beneath him felt shaky.

And he wasn’t sure why he smiled when she did, or why his smile widened when she gave none other than her name. Not Vauquelin – she’d not gone back on her promise to him; he felt a little chagrinned – but Cerise, and then, plain and easy, thank you.

“Cerise,” Miss Berjeau said, smiling. “Well, it’s lovely to meet you, Miss Winterford.” She turned her smile on him, raising her eyebrows. “As mannerly as she is talented, I see.”

“I haven’t a clue where she gets either of those things,” he said, grinning at Cerise, and Miss Berjeau laughed.

She half-turned, beckoning toward the stairs. “You’ll come up and have a cuppa?” He raised an eyebrow at Cerise, then made to follow. Miss Berjeau took a first careful step up, lifting the hem of her skirts with the jangling of a few bracelets on one plump wrist. Her other arm was engaged with a stack of moth-gnawed books.

The stairs wrapped round once, a window set high on the landing spilling out rainy light. One small globe of blue phosphor light glowed at the post. As he climbed, he held tight to the varnished old banister.

“Bertram tells me your tastes in fiction tend rather toward the speculative,” Miss Berjeau went on, glancing over her shoulder with glinting gold eyes. A strand of white hair had slipped out of her bun and wisped round her cheek. “He mentioned Mircalla, my only copy of which which I had – regrettably – only just parted with, unless there is one around here somewhere…”

The second floor, as they moved through the narrow doorway, was all the smell of books and cobwebs and those smells the rain brings up out of old wood. He sniffed, and caught a drift of something else, too, good, bitter black Anaxi tea.

“I assume you have already read Coquillon? Marianne Coquillon, mind,” Miss Berjeau corrected herself, “not Perseus, her rather more notorious husband. You may be more familiar with the novel she wrote – until the twenty-six forties, it was published anonymously – rather a terror in three volumes…”

More clocking monsters, boemo. He wasn’t winded after just a flight, but his hip ached from the walk. The upstairs looked much like the downstairs, a maze of bookshelves, except they soon emerged into a clearing with a low table and a smattering of overstuffed, patchily-upholstered chairs. The dizzying, mismatched pastel and florals put one in mind of the twenty-five hundreds; he’d thought some Bastian lady with an oversized skirt wouldn’t’ve looked out of place with her ribboned heels up on a footstool, so long as she was as decrepit as the furniture.

An enormous white cat loafed in one chair, its face so well-hidden in fluff it looked almost like a pillow. On the low table was a tea service; the teapot steamed, and there was milk and sugar both. One of the cups was cracked at the rim.

“Please, please, sit, make yourselves comfortable.” Downstairs, a bell jangled. “Let me know if the two of you need anything,” tutted Miss Berjeau hurriedly, turning back toward the stairs.

He hesitated, half-waiting to see if Cerise sat first; then, tired, he eased himself into a seat. He laid the package down on the arm beside him, patting it softly. Then he leaned to take the teapot by its delicate handle.

He was quiet a moment, sucking at a tooth. He poured one cup, then the other. He wasn’t sure what’d possessed him – other than the usual ghost – but there was still something in her field, he thought, and still some tightness in his chest.

“Emiel,” he said quietly, as the tea trickled into her cup. He paused, setting the pot down; he looked down at his own cup, frowning.
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Cerise Vauquelin
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: Emotions Like a Balled Fist
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Sun May 31, 2020 9:46 pm

Aveline's Bookstore, Deventry
Bethas 14, 2720 - Evening
Winterford? Cerise wanted to laugh, but she didn't think she could without giving the game away. She had promised she wouldn't, and she would keep her word. Even on so light a point as this, she would keep it. Her mouth found an answering smile when her father turned to her, and it was easy enough to follow along behind Miss Berjeau.

"It must come from Mama's side of the family," she said, with less pain in it than she would have expected. It sounded for all the world like just an easy fact. Cerise didn't let herself wonder at it too much, and instead just followed Miss Berjeau and her father up the stairs to the second floor of the shop. She kept her pace slow enough to not overtake either of them. If it had just been her father, she thought she might have been tempted to bound up them two at a time. That behavior seemed too inappropriately rude for the bookseller, however. And it wasn't like she was in any rush.

"You were talking about me?" That surprised her, and it rang out in the question. To have thought of her and picked out the book was one thing. It felt like something else to have mentioned her to Miss Berjeau, to the point where the old woman had even the most general ideas of her taste in reading material. Probably just trying to find Mircalla, she thought. "A year" chanted in her mind, in case she got any ideas. "That's all right, Miss Berjeau, about Mircalla. I told Father if he couldn't find it, he could borrow mine."

The second floor reminded her very distinctly of the Golden Rose. Not in decor, although it had a bit of the same air in that too, but in the smell and the atmosphere. She wondered if Alain had been here, or if Miss Berjeau had been to the Golden Rose. Brunnhold was a small world, after all. The picture of the two of them knowing each other brought a smile to her face, somehow.

"Oh, yes I have! Only that one, though--Francoschietto, isn't it? It's been a few years." That Miss Berjeau had just assumed Cerise had already read the novel was somewhat pleasing. She was much more used to being asked with the assumption that she had not. The reverse was a refreshing novelty.

Gracious Lady but the furniture was aggressively floral. Cerise wasn't sure that she liked it, although she couldn't deny that it was distinctive. She pictured her father sitting on these pastel chairs with that politician's frown on his face and had to smother a giggle behind her hand. Petting that enormously fluffy white cat, no doubt. With his poetry and his romance novels, sipping tea from a cracked china cup. If she hadn't already known something was strange from this whole day and the week previous, that alone would have been a red flag. This was all distinctly un-Vauquelin behavior.

Miss Berjeau bade them sit, and so she did, although only after the woman had turned towards the stairs at the sound of more customers coming through the door. Her father had already seated himself. Cerise chose a chair yet unoccupied by either man or cat.

"It's a good thing Sish stayed home," Cerise said thoughtfully as she looked at the fluffy white thing. She did rather like cats, although she had never had one. Diana Vauquelin had never struck her as a pet person, and until Sish neither had she been. "Sish is overly fond of cats." Cerise turned her head towards her father and snapped her jaws, for emphasis.

However ugly she found the chairs, they were comfortable. It was easy to settle back into one, especially in the low light with the rain pouring down outside. Cerise watched tea pour into her cup, and then brought her head up sharply to look at her father. The name sounded strange in his mouth; she knew then that she had never heard him say it.

"What about him?" she demanded. Her posture was immediately tense, and her field took on the tight-coiled feeling she got before a match. "If you've--if this was all some kind of... of strange trick, to get me to admit I'm still seeing him, don't bother." That sounded absurd even to her own ears, but Cerise couldn't understand why he was bringing it up. He'd forgotten, surely, but why--why ask about it? To gloat that he'd won? To get back at her, for the way she'd acted at the museum? These too seemed like a reach, but she couldn't think of any reasonable explanation.
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Tom Cooke
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Mon Jun 01, 2020 12:41 am

Aveline's Bookstore Deventry
Evening on the 14th of Bethas, 2720
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H
e hadn’t quite brought himself to laugh when Cerise snapped her teeth, but a grin’d broke through his solemn expression as he’d poured the tea. He’d glanced over at the cat briefly, long enough for it to let out a fluttering snore and twitch one paw.

He might’ve been offended, if he’d been able to picture it, Sish snapping up some poor cat like it was a bit of salmon from a tart. He couldn’t in the least; Sish seemed to him too much like a cat herself for that, though sharper and maybe a pina meaner. He remembered something Cerise’d said, about how cats could retract their claws and miraan couldn’t. He’d looked up at her as she’d settled in, looking wild and sharp and out of place among the florals.

Steam drifted, and the rain tap-tap-tapped the windows, and the oil lamp through shivering shadows over everything; it might’ve been comfortable, with the sleeping cat and its smushed face – it might’ve been, if things hadn’t been so strange. If he hadn’t been waiting for the pin to drop. It might’ve been; it wasn’t, he’d told himself, pouring Cerise’s cup, his smile slowly fading.

Her head jerked up.

He didn’t look her in the eye, not rightaway. He felt her field go taut against his, not quite sigiled. He eased back into his seat, and when she spoke, he looked up at her; he met the sharp jab of those light grey eyes.

His cup of tea still steamed on the table. He showed her both his hands, peaceful-like. “No trick,” he said, shaking his head, frowning.

If this was all. He felt another pang; that ball of lead at the bottom of him sank further. It was her, she wanted to argue, who stormed into the museum, all sharp angles and demands. He still didn’t know what she’d wanted. How in Vita could all of it have been his idea? What in hell did she mean by this, as if she hadn’t started it all?

He couldn’t lean back, comfortable, in his seat; he stayed on the edge, his legs crossed, his fingers knit tight over one bony knee. He frowned down, sucking at a tooth.

He was supposed to know more. He was supposed to know who in the hell Emiel was; he was supposed to know how it’d ended. What he’d done to end it.

He at least knew, he thought, why Anatole’d disapproved. The irony curled bitter inside him. His brow was furrowed, and his lips were twisted in a scowl. “I don’t know,” he said first, “what happened…” He trailed off. “I gather it’s too late to –”

He broke off, letting out a sharp curse; he shook his head and took a deep breath.

It was sharp enough to wake their host. A pair of squinty eyes peered across at him, and then an ear twitched. The cat let out a huff, settled its head back against the arm of the chair, and shut its eyes. The fluffy tail twitched and settled.

Maybe that was what all of this was after all, he thought. Not the dueling league, not ging, none of it – Emiel. And did it behoove him? He thought of Anatole’s political career – his political career – his lips pressed thin. “If you are still seeing him, I won’t kick up a fuss.” He still didn’t touch his tea; nor did his caprise back down. “For what it’s worth,” he added, feeling mung.
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Cerise Vauquelin
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: Emotions Like a Balled Fist
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Mon Jun 01, 2020 1:58 am

Aveline's Bookshop, Deventry
Bethas 14, 2720 - Evening
Not a trick--then what was it? What did he want to hear? He held up his hands to her, like he expected a blow. Maybe he should; she certainly felt ready to deal one. That kept happening--she would settle in and then something would turn on its head and she would lose her bearings. Cerise couldn't decide which one of them was more at fault for it. Him, for unbalancing her--or herself, for trying to find it?

She hadn't expected the blow; she'd had no time to brace for it. That name, dropping so casually from her father's mouth--no, she didn't think she could have prepared herself for that. He had never said it before, when it mattered. So it had knocked her sideways again, and she staggered.

"Is it--?" Cerise laughed, brittle and bitter and sharp. He gathered it was too late. He gathered. That was rich, coming from him. She'd told him just last week it was too late. Even if he'd forgotten the events, surely he could remember a week back. Cerise was horrified to feel her eyes were warm.

Couldn't they just have had books and tea and talked about the cat? Why did he have to bring up Emiel? Cerise could admit to pushing more than was wise, on the way over. At the party last week, and afterwards too. This whole thing was "pushing too far"--that it hurt shouldn't have come as such a surprise. The cat huffed; Cerise agreed.

"It is worth nothing at all." She felt like jagged glass, fragile and sharp. That was too easy. She should be stronger than this--one name and she'd come all undone. Her mouth twisted and she let her stare bore into him. If she just concentrated on the anger and not the hurt, she could keep her eyes dry. Thinking on crying made her think of just moments before, downstairs. The anger was slipping out of her hands, and she didn't know how to keep her hold on it when she needed it most.

"I am not 'seeing him', and I haven't been for quite some time. Don't worry," she felt the words ash in her mouth, "I couldn't if I wanted to. That requires two willing participants. Whatever you did worked." Cerise took her cup then, and mixed both sugar and milk in. She felt stupid, doing it, but it was easier than anything else. Certainly fixing herself a cup of tea gave her hands something to do.

She gathered the cup up and sad back in her chair once more. Her hands wrapped around the porcelain, letting the warmth of it soak through into her palms. And still, still, his caprise hadn't changed at all. Even now, when she felt like nothing so much as an exposed nerve. Wretched and tender. Even after all this time, that's all she was. She suspected she might be for a long time yet.

Her eyes fell to the book on the arm of his chair, slid down to the fingers woven together over his knee. "Why are you asking me this now?" She felt tired, trying to divine what her father wanted from her. A whole lifetime and she'd never quite figured it out. He wouldn't kick up a fuss, he didn't seem to care at all anymore. How convenient.
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Tom Cooke
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Mon Jun 01, 2020 1:59 pm

Aveline's Bookstore Deventry
Evening on the 14th of Bethas, 2720
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T
hat it was a relief – buried deep in some awful room of his heart, in the wing he wasn’t sure he wanted to call his – burned worse than anything. One less thing he had to worry about left field, when there were so many surprises daily. But yaching a wick wasn’t the worst scandal Cerise could come up with, he was sure of that; this Problem of Anatole’s would be his for as long as the lass was around, and he’d a creeping sensation it would be peeling at his cover when he least expected it.

More uncertainties. He was still on the edge of his seat, looking down into the small teacup on the table in front of him. He was still sucking at his tooth.

He shut his eyes, frowning deeper.

How would he have done it, if he’d been Auntie? Maybe he was more of a brute than he’d thought; maybe he’d sent a few kov to warn this Emiel off his daughter, applying such force as necessary. The thought of him dusting Cerise after that hurt. What hurt even worse was the idea that the wick’d been paid off, and had accepted the sum without too much complaint.

Or maybe – maybe this Emiel was lying in wait, another unspecified threat at an unspecified time.

When he opened his eyes, Cerise was stirring in milk and sugar, clinking delicately. He watched with a furrow in his brow. He found himself taking note of how much milk, how much sugar, and he wasn’t sure why. It felt like a familiar motion; his heart hurt.

“I don’t know,” he said finally, letting out a sigh. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” The words tasted terrible on his tongue.

There was a twist to her mouth he thought he knew. If she’d been striding into the museum, coming for him like a drake with the smell of sap, he’d’ve known what to do with the twisting, curling scowl. It wasn’t unlike his, after all – not even, he thought, when it began to tilt, when the anger began to bleed into something else. It was almost always a look about the eyes, those flat grey eyes he hated so much.

He took his tea off the table, quiet, without stirring anything in. He couldn’t remember how Anatole had liked it, and it was hard to think of it, just now; he didn’t want to drink some other man’s tea, sitting with some other man’s daughter.

What kind of an answer was that, I don’t know? Why did it feel like it wasn’t enough? Did she even want a better answer? Why did he care? He looked across at her again, thinking of the way she’d said worth nothing. If it’s worth nothing, why are you here? If this means nothing to either of us – and it sure as hell means nothing to me…

“It’s like a big puzzle,” he said quietly, “and I have some of the pieces in place, but most, I don’t – and even the ones I have, I don’t know how to fit together.” Heat prickled in his cheeks.

Somewhere under the rain, a clock ticked. Everything seemed so loud in the pause. “When I start jamming pieces in where they don’t go, it doesn’t help,” he added, dry-bitter, raising his brows and looking up at her. And that piece, he thought, has a lot of jagged edges.
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Cerise Vauquelin
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Mon Jun 01, 2020 3:18 pm

Aveline's Bookstore, Deventry
Bethas 14, 2720 - Evening
Cerise looked over her teacup at the man in the chair, and she tried to see if she felt anything like pity or sympathy. Maybe she did, but it was twisted up with everything else and she couldn't find it to pull out cleanly. Neither could she feel just the anger, or just the resentment. Somewhere in it too she knew there was a thin strand of childish longing. All of it was knotted up and pulling on one thread tightened the others.

He didn't know why he'd asked, and he was sorry he'd done so. Cerise was sorry, too, because now she couldn't just let it go. He should have known better. Even if he didn't know anything at all. Briefly, she closed her eyes, as if squeezing them shut would make the prickling at the back of them stop. Just had to keep going, squeeze harder. She took a sip of her tea, milky and bitter and sweet.

"A puzzle." Cerise repeated it slowly, trying to keep the sneer off her face. Reflexive, but not helpful at this moment. If it ever was. Where, she wanted to know, did he think all of this fit? The bookstore, the tea, answering her letters. Asking her about matches. Asking her about Emiel. Cerise wished Sish were here, that little golden weight that seemed to have become so important in keeping her steady.

Cerise set her cup back on the low table with a clinking of china. The cup was, she noticed, just as floral as the chairs, and just as mismatched.

"I don't know what you want to hear from me," she started, and then stopped. This was harder, somehow, than asking about Mama. That hurt was older, she supposed. She had formed herself around it most of her life. This was still new, and she was still finding how how deep it ran. "If you want me to tell you what--what you did, I don't know. He never told me. Probably afraid I'd do something drastic, like try to fix it." She smiled, thinking about it, a little bitter and a little soft.

"I don't even know if you knew his name, or cared to say it. And it doesn't matter now, that was a long time ago. Memory or not, you can't change that. It's too late." Cerise had the strangest impulse to curl up onto the chair and tuck her knees under her chin. But she wasn't a child, and this wasn't home--even she was no so lacking in self-awareness to do something like that. She kept her back straight and her jaw set.

The hands on her lap tightened into fists. She could hear the rain, and a clock from somewhere in the store, out of sight. Every once in a while, a snatched murmur of voices from downstairs drifted up to her ears. One of them she thought she could tell was Miss Berjeau. The other she didn't know, and she didn't care.

Cerise tilted her pointed chin and studied her father's face. This wasn't a fight she knew how to win. There were no points to score, she thought, no arbiter waiting to tell her if her move had been executed the way it should. Not even room for her to swing her fists, for all that she'd balled them up on top of her knees.

"Why--" Cerise began after a pause, and then her mouth twisted. She didn't think she would like the answer to this question, but she knew now that it was only fear that kept her from asking it. She didn't want to be a coward in front of her father, no matter the version. Even this odd, forgetful one with a field and expressions she didn't recognize. "If you--if you don't know... If you don't know who I am, why are you here?" Her eyes were unyielding steel, but her fists uncurled. Cerise deepened the caprise as far as she dared, wanting to understand. Afraid to understand.
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Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:25 am

Aveline's Bookstore Deventry
Evening on the 14th of Bethas, 2720
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T
hat makes two of us, he almost said, then bit it back. He hadn’t taken a sip of tea yet. He’d forced himself to look up at her when she’d said it, a puzzle, and he’d seen a familiar twitching curl starting at her lip. He forced down another wave of familiar – old, familiar – disgust, watching her thin face wrangle with it, not looking away from her flat grey eyes.

He’d spoken true; he didn’t know why he’d asked. As she went on, it took more of an effort not to look away. At anything – at the dizzying whirl of different florals, mismatched; at the cat on the cushion, now loudly snoring, jarringly out of place; at the books on the shelves all around, or the window-pane rattling and pattering, throwing strange flickering droplet-shadows over the floor where the oil lamp did not reach.

In spite of everything, he thought he knew this smile, too. Wistful. He blinked, his brows drawing together.

It had been hard to look, before, and now it was impossible to look away. It was hard not to study every inch of that expression, of the lines it made, of the set of her eyes. The disgust washed back, leaving a strange sense of wonder, as fleeting as it was unfamiliar.

He thought of her charging into some bar in the Stacks, all sharp angles and light grey eyes, demanding to know – bony fists at the ready – he looked down at his own thin hands in his lap, curled round his cup. He made a fist of one on his knee, watching the knuckles stand out white against the pale skin. He blinked again; there was an itching in his eyes, from all these musty flooding books.

He nodded in the pause, still looking down. The cat snored. There were muffled noises from downstairs. He couldn’t ease back into his seat, and nor could he get up. He thought she’d leave anytime, and he wondered if she’d take the book with her. He wondered if it would release him from his debt, and knew it wasn’t so easy as that.

When she spoke, he looked up, and found her with both fists white-knuckled in her lap. Reflexively, his relaxed. He opened his mouth slightly, not sure what to say; it snapped shut, and he listened.

If you don’t know who I am, she said finally, the words struggling their way out of her with fists at the ready. Her field lapped deeper in his, to his surprise; he could do nothing but receive it.

“Because I want to,” he said, surprised and matter-of-fact, almost without thinking. “Know you.”

He wondered at how easy the lies were slipping him today. He wasn’t sure if it was a worse lie than protesting – saying, of course I know who you are – or a more productive one.

He looked down, then back up. “I could ask the same of you, with how I’ve wronged you. I wasn’t expecting – I’d been told – my daughter wanted nothing to do with me, and that was that.” These words, he’d expected to be easier to say; once they were out of his mouth, for all they were true, they felt foul.

His fingertips edged round the rim of the teacup. He still couldn’t bring himself to drink. “This is what we wanted to keep you from.” His voice was quiet. “But – you charging into the museum,” his voice broke, “that was the best thing that’s happened to me all week.”

The smile was crooked and short-lived, and edged with tears. What a miserable man, said some tiny voice in him, that doesn’t know whether he’s lying or not.

He took the last step, tsuter that he was; he relaxed his field completely and reached deep enough that the mona were merged. The heavy physical mona were bracing, but he searched them, curious, and something about it made him feel oddly tender – soft or like an open wound, he didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.
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Cerise Vauquelin
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Tue Jun 02, 2020 4:01 pm

Aveline's Bookstore, Deventry
Bethas 14, 2720 - Evening
It wasn't until her father spoke again that Cerise knew that some part of her had been hoping he would deny what she'd said. I remember who you are, just not all the details, maybe. Or even more ludicrous: How could I forget my own child? She had pushed too hard, reached too deep to hide how her heart ached to hear no denial at all. A decision she'd made without thinking, coming back to bite her--but wasn't that always how it went with her?

He didn't know her, but he wanted to. That made her snort in disbelief, fragile and bitter. Very few people had made that claim. Her newly-amnesiac father didn't seem much like the ones who had. You didn't before, she wanted to protest. You never did. No matter what I tried. I stopped trying, in the end.

"I don't want anything to do with you." She snapped and snarled, but it was hurt that washed through her, not anger. She didn't quite like how it sounded, coming from his mouth. Cerise had said those exact words more than once, but hearing them now was unpleasant. She swallowed, but she couldn't keep the cloud from her face. There was an effort in keeping her palms flat against her lap. The wool of her skirt itched.

A sliver of her attention was trained on the voices downstairs. She felt all broken up, a mirror dropped to the ground, a shattered plate. The last thing she thought her pride and her heart could handle was to have some stranger come up those stairs--not even Miss Berjeau, who she had liked immediately--to find Cerise Vauquelin on the verge of tears on an aggressively floral armchair. Sitting between an old man and a fluffy cat. Ridiculous.

This is what we wanted to keep you from. Cerise thought she understood now--all the effort to keep her at school, not letting her come home. Your father is in poor health. He's not well enough yet. Wait a little longer. Cerise had thought, when she pictured it, a different kind of health. When he'd returned to work, she had been angry and confused, but she thought--at least she could come home. Only she couldn't, and nobody told her anything more. She did what she did best: she nursed that hurt and resentment, grew it inside of her until at last she couldn't take it anymore and she had burst through that museum door, expecting a fight.

It hadn't gone the way she'd expected, not at all. She didn't know yet what she thought of this outcome. The best thing to happen to him all week. With a smile that died as quickly as it had been born, and what she thought were tears. How unfair. How terribly unfair, for him to cry when she was the victim here. Her own eyes were bright, but she wouldn't let herself cry.

Then her father reached back.

The feeling was strange, soft and fragile and too much, but Cerise was never one to back down when she should. Delicate and dasher, a breeze that came in starts and fits. But a breeze in spring, warm and filling foolish hearts with hope for a summer to come. Nothing about it made sense; she hadn't expected it to, she thought. Now a tear escaped, followed by others. Silent and small, but she did nothing to stop them.

"Only all week?" Cerise felt stupid saying it; it was the only thing she could say that fit. A palm scrubbed across both of her cheeks and she didn't quite smile. But she thought--almost.
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Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:42 pm

Aveline's Bookstore Deventry
Evening on the 14th of Bethas, 2720
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W
hen she’d snorted – snapped – he’d pursed his lips, fingertips still on the rim of his cup. There was a thin tendril of steam still coming up from the tea, but thinner and thinner. It was still warm, but for all his mouth was dry and his throat was thick with a lump, he couldn’t bring himself to drink. He’d watched her face, his brow furrowed, thinking of somebody else who’d said just that what must’ve been a dozen times.

He’d gone on, as if he hadn’t known better. He’d let his field merge with hers, searching her face and all the strong physical mona. He watched now as a tear slid down her thin cheek.

Ging, he thought – why had he thought ging? Why was there always a flooding angle? Heat prickled in his cheeks, at the back of his neck. He tried to keep the shame out of his field, for all he felt it sinking to the very bottom of him. He breathed in and out, even as he could. He remembered a meditation not so long ago, of even breaths washing calm through mingled mona. He breathed his field indectal and let such calm as he could muster flush out into it, swelling and receding like a tide.

More tears were spilling out. There were no sobs, just the tears. It was the twitch of her lip that broke him, more grimace than smile. He smiled, blinking tears out of his own eyes.

“Give or take,” he replied. “Mostly give.” It had none of the lightness he felt, none of the laughter; instead of laughing, his voice broke. At almost the same moment as the lass was palming tears off her cheeks, he was knuckling them out of his eyes, so hard sparks danced against his eyelids.

He sniffed once, sharply, cursing under his breath. When his vision cleared, she was still sitting in front of him, sunk in the cushions with their flowery cloth worn thin.

He cleared his throat, taking a sip of tea. The teacup clattered as he set it down; he bent to set both on the table with the rest of the tea service. He felt even munger than he had. He thought to say something, anything, but there was nothing he could say. He didn’t think she was asking for reassurance; if he gave it, he thought wryly – he could already picture the sneer and the snap, for all he deserved whatever blows she could land. His field still shivered in the air round her, same as hers hung heavy round him. He couldn’t withdraw it, either; he didn’t think he had a right to – not until she did – and he found he didn’t much want to.

Feeling like an erse, he reached instead for the package on the arm of the chair. With all the tea safe on the table, he set it on his knees and began unwrapping it.

She’d folded the paper careful-like, he thought, and used plenty. The string was tied into a precise knot; just as precise, he began to undo it, and then – just as careful – to unfold the paper. He went slow enough to be sure he wouldn’t tear or crease it, mindful how he’d re-wrap it when he needed to.

With the paper unfurled and splayed in his lap, he took the book in his hands. Mama’s, he heard again, and swallowed a lump and a surge of fear and distaste. He let none of it touch his field; he breathed evenly.

He ran a few careful fingers over the spine first, then opened it cautiously.
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Cerise Vauquelin
Posts: 286
Joined: Sat Apr 25, 2020 8:44 pm
Topics: 8
Race: Galdor
Occupation: Future Champion Duelist
Location: Brunnhold
: Emotions Like a Balled Fist
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Wed Jun 03, 2020 12:29 am

Aveline's Bookstore, Deventry
Bethas 14, 2720 - Evening
There was something in her father's field he tried to hide; she thought it was very likely shame. Shame for her, or because of her? It was terribly shameful, she thought, to be sitting here with tears she couldn't seem to stop sliding down her face in a bookstore. Anyone could come up those stairs at any time and see her here, looking for all the world like she was overwhelmed by the sight of so much chintz.

Give or take--mostly give. Cerise laughed and it sounded like a sob. He was crying too, and she wondered what for. If he didn't remember her, she was a stranger, and it didn't matter if she cried or not. She couldn't help but hold on to some hope that there were pieces to find, after all--a memory here or there. There was something so overwhelmingly lonely about contemplating the alternative. Or perhaps this new version of her father was just prone to tears. If she was a stranger, so was he.

He took a sip of his tea at last, setting the cup down with a sound that seemed too sharp and loud for the moment. What would have been more appropriate, she had no idea. There was a kind of hollow ache in her chest. Perhaps she wanted him to say something, although she couldn't think of what he could say to her that she could not meet with some kind of snarl. Her head felt full and her heart felt empty. More than anything she wished she had someone she could tell; her father had never been any kind of confidante to her, but she felt lonelier somehow. They weren't adversaries, now, either, because he didn't remember anything and when she told him he didn't care.

What she really wanted, she thought bitterly, was a friend to talk to. And she didn't have that either. She knew very well why she liked lonely monsters in her fiction. She wanted a friend, she wanted a smoke, she wanted to fight--anything but to sit back in this chair and feel the way she felt.

"It's waxed," she said, as though that wasn't obvious from the moment he touched the paper. "To keep it from the rain."

He didn't remember her; he had accepted the book. She was nothing; he had sent her a letter and replied to hers. For all he knew, she was not his daughter; and yet, he'd asked to be informed about her matches. Cerise couldn't make sense of it. Perhaps if they had been different people, she could have hoped that it meant he did remember more than it felt like he did--but she couldn't picture her father as he had been doing any of these things either.

She watched him open the book in silence. He ran his fingers over the spine; was there anything there at all? Even the ghost of something? Cerise didn't know, and now she knew she couldn't keep asking. Unless she wanted Miss Berjeau and her customer both to come upstairs to see what the wailing was about. And she wasn't a toddler, to throw a tantrum because their parents didn't love them enough. Soon she'd be twenty, and not long after that she would graduate. So maybe this loneliness would have come to her anyway.

"I can't imagine why you'd want to get to know me," she croaked after a long silence. Her voice sounded rusted over. "I must have made one hell of an introduction. I'm not sorry," she warned, just in case. "I just can't imagine that was very motivating." She was prodding at the ache, like poking a bruise. A few more tears escaped; Cerise blinked them out of her eyes, but let them go where they wanted.
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